As I am sitting here tonight, alone in my bed, I can't help but wonder about the "what if's." I know that God tells us that we should focus on him and not the what if's, but that is a hard thing to do sometimes. You think, what would me and William be talking about right now, what would he think of Hunter, what a great dad he would have been, etc.. I know that he would have loved Hunter and I believe that he is watching out for us everyday. It is also hard to turn a positive into a negative, but I look around when I am sad and see what blessings I do still have. I have a wonderful, health, happy baby boy, that helps me through my day. I have a home, loving and supportive family, food on our table, a job, a God that listens to all my troubles and burdens and still loves me. Though I miss William with all my heart and soul, I have to not only look at the negatives in life, I have to look at the positives to make it. I am also blessed that me and William got to spend 10 1/2 wonderful years together. Many couples don't get to have that kind of time. We dated 7 years before we had married and were married almost 3 years. It has truly been the greatest time of my life. We had a love that most people would dream about and I am so thankful that we did. We started dating at the age of 13 and 14. He would call me at home and hang up when me or my mom would answer. So cute. Then we finally started talking on the phone and on May 27, 2002 at 10:30pm, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course I said, sure. He gave me a hard time about that. lol. We went on our first date with his little brother and my friend. We went bowling. I never knew what God had planned for our lives at that moment. We went every where together. Our parents would take us to eachother's houses on the weekends and we would stay with eachother all day, then we would see eachother at school during the week. When I got my drivers license we were on the go. I would take him and his brother where ever they wanted to go and we would take the town. As time went on and we grew older, we learned who we were with eachother. Our likes became the same and our hobbies involved one another. There was never a second that I did not think of him. When we got out of high school and William started roping, we would drive all hours of the night and day to rodeo somewhere or for him to go to Abington, VA to practice. We went to a roping in Bristol, TN in 2007 and I will never forget, this man walked up to him and was talking and said, "She is your biggest fan, isn't she? I can tell." He said yes and I went everywhere with him. I was his own personal cheerleader. I loved him so much then and I loved him more and more as we grew older and closer. I love remembering those days and I pray that I can remember them always to keep close to my heart and to be able to tell Hunter. I want him to know of the love that me and his daddy had. I miss him terribly and wish he were laying here in this big lonely bed with me. He always liked to cuddle and would wake me up in the middle of the night if we were not close. I miss his strong body laying close to me. I long for the day that we will meet again and be able to cuddle. I have to remember when times get hard and my heart is more sad than normal, that God has truly blessed me with the extra time that we had when we were yong. It doesn't make it any easier, but at least I have those memories to hold on too. Until we meet again, I love you William and I miss you every day.

Memories to charish

There are so many memories that I charish in my heart. When I heard about the wild fires in Pigeon Forge, TN today, my heart was taken back to August 1, 2009. We left our wedding and went to our trailer and got our things. We went into the bedroom to change clothes and I remember my husband looking at me and saying " They know we are in here together." It still makes me laugh. He was so comical about things like that. We left our family at our trailer and left for our honeymoon. We arrived in Pigeon Forge, TN and stopped at Wendy's to get some supper. We then went to our cabin rental to check in and get directions to our cabin. When we got to our cabin, there were a dozen roses on the table and a red heart shaped tub in the corner. That was the best week of my life. We enjoyed every minute of that trip. We went to splash country, dollywood, the cove, and Gatlenburg. We went back there for our first and second Anniversary. I wanted to go back for our third, but he would not go because I would be so pregnant. It will be hard to go back there. There are so many memories like that that I will always remember.

Some friends and I rescued some horses this weekend and it was bittersweet, since horses was something special that me and my husband shared. He loved horses and was great with them. He shoed horses, rodeoed, roped, and would ride anything that no one would. He was fearless and me and his mother called him " A rolling party." I have never known anyone that enjoyed life as much as he did. I would love to live life that way and to show our son how his daddy lived his life. My wish is that our son will grow up and say that he knows all about his daddy and that his mother told him all about him. I wish for him to grow up and say that my mom didn't give up and she stayed strong for me. I want him to grow up and be proud of me and have a special love for God. I want to raise him in a way that will be honoring to God and his daddy. I know that one day we will get to be the family that we never got to be on earth. I can't wait for that day, but until then the future scares me. I do not know what the future holds. I just pray that God will not give me more than I can handle. I just want to get through the next few months. I kow God will give me the strength to get through this, as he has the past 8 months.
To my love, best friend, lover, my everything, and my husband, I love you and miss you so much. I wish you were here with my and your son. I think about you every second of the day and my heart longs for you. There will always be a huge piece missing that I will not get back, until we meet again. Your son is beautiful and full of your personallity. I love you and miss you baby. Until we meet again, in the clouds above the sky!!

To everyone that will read this blog, I want to first off say thank you to a wonderful, new friend that inspired me to start this. It has been a long hard road for almost 8 months. My husband was killed in the line of duty on July 26, 2012. I was 36 weeks pregnant with our first son at the time. Me and my husband had been together since we were 13 and 14 years old. This May we would have been together 11 years. Our wedding anniversary was August1, 2009, so he was killed 6 days before our 3 year anniversary. He was working night shift and had went to a domestic voilance call. Him and his partner approched the trailer and the man ended up shooting my husband as all three of their guns fired. His partner's second shot was the second shot that was heard. This was at 1:00am that morning. I awoke about 3:00am to hear our door bell ringing. It had never been rung before, since we had only lived here a year and everyone came in through the laundry room door. I could not figure out what the sound was and was scared. I picked up my cell phone and called my husband, as I normally did when I was afraid at night when he was working. Oh course he did not answer so I called his partner's cell, then his Srg,'s cell, and then Lt,'s cell. No one answered. I finally got up the courage to look out the bathroom window, to see if I could see a car. When I looked, I saw his Captin's car and knew something had happened. I ran to the door in my pj's and opened the door. I immediately saw his best friend, who was also a deputy, and yelled his name. He ran up to me and hugged me and said that my husband had been shot. I of course started crying and asked his captin, as he made it up the stairs, if he was ok. He shook his head no and I was lost. I could not believe that the man I had loved for 10 plus years was now gone. I had watched him leave for work that night and he had brought me breakfast that morning before. I had just talked with him at 10:30pm that night and he said that he needed to go, but he would talk to me in the morning. Well he did not get to talk to me in the morning and I could not imagine that I would never talk with him again. He was my best friend and my soul mate. I was about to have our first baby. What was I to do without him. My parents came and took me to the hospital. The SBI would not let me see him because of where he was shot. I wish I had pushed to see him or even a part of him, to know that it was really him. I came home to a house that had been so full of our love and joy, and now it was full of heartache and pain. People came all weekend to talk to me and tell me that they were sorry and praying for me. I really did appreciate it, but it was overwelming at times. That Saturday the 28th I went with some of his friends and co-workers to the funeral home to view his body. I had had him dressed in his dress uniform, that he was so proud of and that he had died for. I took his two best friends in with me as I saw him for the first time. He looked so handsome, but I could not help but sob as I look at my 23 year old husband in that box. Everyone came in as I sit beside him and then I had some alone time with him. I kissed his head when I got ready to leave and I remember that he was so cold. I can still remember seeing him just laying there. It killed me inside. That morning, when I woke up, I never knew that my heart would be riped from my chest like that. We had the viewing that following Monday, the 30th. It was very long and lasted about 6 hours. I was honored at the people and law enforcement that came to show their respects to us. We had the funeral the next day and he rode on a horse, drawn carage from a 1/2 mile to the church. It was amazing. When we got up to where the parking lot was flat, I walked behind him with his family. I wanted to walk the whole way, but was unable since I was so pregnant. I took his captain by the arm and I remember him telling me that my dress was pretty. I told him that my husband had bought it for me when I first started showing. I was pink. My husband had an amazing testimony. He grew up in an independent baptist church and had made professions of faith, but truely asked God to come into his heart and change his life on July 1, 2012. He never knew that he would only live 25 days as a new born believer. So, I made his funeral about his testimony. He had preaching and singing that praised God's name and that was very spirit lead. The next morning I woke up, August 1, 2012. Our 3 year wedding anniversary, and I had just barried my young husband, best friend, lover, father to our son, head of my house hold, partner, etc... I could not name all the things he was to me. I felt that I had lost everything. On August 12, 2012 I gave birth to our son. I had a fast labor and a beautiful, healthy baby boy, that I thank God for everyday. I had a small piece of his daddy in my arms and I would charish him for as long as I live. Our son is now 7 months old and is the reason I get up in the mornings. I enjoy spending time with him and playing with him, but I do miss his daddy every second of the day. I wonder what it would be like with him here. I wish he were here with us. I know that he is in heaven and is having a great time. I just hope he is looking down on us and is proud. I want to make him proud in everything we do and honor him. We just took at trip to Tulsa, OK this week to accept a medial of honor and another award from the NCEA and Black Assfault, which are drug enforcement organizations that he was a member of. They flew me, my son, and two friends out there to accept these awards. It was very emotional, but worth it to honor the man I love. As I sit here in our bedroom, typing out my story to you guys, I feel my heart ache. There is not a second that goes by that I don't think about him, missing him, and loving him. I pray everyday that as time goes on that our memories will stay close to my heart so that I can tell our son one day of the special love that we had. I know that God has a plan for our lives, I don't know what it is yet and some days are harder than others, but I have to trust him to get me through each passing day. Even though my heart is heavy with pain and sadness, I know that he is with me and will help me get through this valley. I like the verse in Ps. 118:24 " This is the day which the Lord hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." Another verse I go to a lot is my husband's favorite verse Ps 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid." I have truely learned that you take each day one at a time, because you never know what tomorrow will hold. Charish every gift and blessing that God has given you because it may not be there tomorrow. Thank you all for listening and letting me share my story. We will one day be a family again, and I am ready.